New Years

Well here it is, the last day of the year. New Years Eve brings so many things to mind, all the memories of the past year, the past years, the past decades, all the New Years Eve parties spent with friends and family.

New Years Day brings as many things to mind, for those of us who try to do Resolutions (mine are pretty much the same every year, maybe a little different this year), we think of what we want to change going forward. The good things we want to do better, the bad things we really want to change, the new things we want to try, and the obvious things we hope for every year (I will try to exercise at least twice a week...).

But, this New Years there is a lot going through my mind, besides the obvious. Family and those that are not here this New Year and how I love the phone and internet to keep in touch with them. Friends who have left or lost touch. Friends that I miss that "connection" with. Friends that just aren't the same as they were at some other point, and how I miss those times. It seems like this was a year for friends for me.

I've realized a few friends at some point just become that person, there is no opening up to them, no searching and meaningful discussions, just chit chat. Some, I really miss the long hours spent chatting; while others, I'm glad to move forward. Then, there are new friends, new friends that have become a really big part of my world. Friends that are brand new and old friends that seem like new.

I've realized that there really is meaning in the old quote "Friends are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime." Sometimes all three, sometimes that "reason" is a all but too brief passing in the year. I love all the friends that have touched my life. And it's good to know that my family, who will always be here, are also my friends and have so much meaning in my life.

I just don't know why, but this year my Resolutions are all about friends and family. Trying to maintain and build up those relationships just seems so important all of a sudden. Not that it wasn't important before, but it just seems like a "weight" that I need to take care of all of a sudden. Taking hold of those that are important and finding ways to let them know it. If not everyday or every week, like I would like, then at least more often than I have in the past.

So there are my resolutions in an outlined sort of way. Although, my sisters resolutions were good to, just not something I really have a problem doing (taking a break from the housecleaning and business of life to play, I have always loved to play)! So beware all you friends... I will be bugging you! Love ya all, and Happy New Year!

Time of Year...

I just realized how tough it is this time of year to have loved ones far away. I've always been lucky to have most of my family nearby. This year my dear sis will be staying at home in Arizona, in the sunshine and warmth - I'm so envious, so I will be missing her and her family. My dear brother is serving our wonderful country overseas. He was in Iraq and now in Afghanistan, and I worry daily about him. My youngest baby still asks about his grandpa, Papa rest your soul - we miss you, and why Papa won't be having Christmas with us. And there are friends, friends that I have had for decades, friends that I've only had a year or more but have come to mean the world to me, that won't be around this year. They have family or other obligations and they will also be gone. They won't be here to share the season with me, to exchange gifts and stories, or to sit and watch the New Year come in. Sometimes, in this reflective time of year, I realize how lucky I am to have people that I can miss. I have these dear people in my life and for whatever reason that life pulls them away this time of year I will miss them, each and everyone. I will celebrate with those around me, and I will say a simple prayer for those that are celebrating the real Christmas in Heaven, I will say a prayer for those overseas and far away, and I will say a prayer for those right next to me and cuddled in my arms. I will close my eyes, and breathe deep and long, while listening to my favorite music of the season. I will have tears in my eyes as I reflect on the relationships that I have and have had. The friends that are here and then gone... The ones that break your heart and the ones that forever remain. I will choke back that tear in my throat, that lump that wants to choke me into a rambling wimp of tears, and I will smile. I will smile and look forward to the time they will all be hear around me again. I will try not to dwell on the sad, but just reflect and remember the good, the happy and those Christmas Pasts that make you forever thankful each year that those memories are worth all the rough times that you make it past. Christmas will forever grip our lives and bind us together with all the memories we've shared. I will be thankful for that. Change and new memories lay before us all. But there will always be those Christmas memories to look back on. Christmas will always know who we really are. The season naturally brings out the best in us. It brings generosity and sincerity. Christmas makes us remember the real reason that we have the season to celebrate and the future we all have to look forward to. Christmas will always be with each of us, while we may feel lonely or sad for a moment, Christmas will keep us close and show us those who need our love and those who love us still. I'm so glad it's Christmas...

Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving and another year to look back on to remember all there is to be thankful for. I will forever be thankful for the support of family in the down times of the year. I am thankful for the three beautiful children that make everyday special with the new things they've learned or the crazy things they think to say. I am thankful for 12 years of marriage and headed for that lucky 13. I am thankful that my children were able to spend time with their great-grandpa before he passed away, and even though it hurts and they still miss him, that they were able to feel that bond before it was too late. I am thankful that in todays downward spiraling economy that both my husband and I have really good jobs, and even though there is never enough money it seems, that we have a nice house and heat for the long winter ahead of us. I am thankful for the friends I have grown closer to over this past year. Friends that make me laugh, make me look back and think of things that have passed, and friends that will be there to support and listen to me. I am thankful that I live in this country, with it's flaws and debateable government theories, I am thankful that I have the freedom to choose. I am thankful that my baby brother is proudly serving his country over in Iraq and now Afghanistan, and I am thankful that he has the ability to communicate to us while he is over there and that he has been safe and will be coming home soon. I am thankful everyday that I wake up that I am alive and well, and that I have another day to make another moment to be thankful for, another moment to make another person smile and to bring happiness to those who bring happiness to me.

Overdose on Life

I found this old quote (yes in one of my million quote journals that I have written in over the years), I wrote this down when I was a freshman at CMU... tore it out of a magazine and had it on my bulletin board the two years I was up there. Looking back, it seems like I worked out all the time when I was up there. Trina, the best roomie in the whole world was a blast to workout with. I still know buns, thighs and abs of steel by heart what 12 years later... Anyway, the quote... I love this one: "Some people measure their lives in pulse rates and sit-ups. Far better to measure yours in licks of ice cream, well-told jokes, mad dashes to be first in the water, belly laughs. And, when you die, it won't be an erratic shift in your heartrate, it will be an overdose of mirth, fun poisoning, death by laughter." I thought of this tonight after my burning thighs and abs dragged my tired and sweaty body up the stairs… Every few months I get in that "exercise" frame of mind. I love being active and I love a good workout. I love how it actually makes me feel better and actually curbs my appetite. But I also, and maybe it's because I've passed that 30 year mark, realize that no matter how much I work out, it won't change my basic body structure. I will always have "big" thighs and a small waistline to match the small chest on top (thanks dad for that by the way...). I will have the same genes no matter what and no workout will ever change who I am. I will be healthier and I will enjoy all these benefits that a good workout gives me, but I will also sit my somewhat-toned, but not nearly perfect, rear-end on the couch and stuff my mouth with double stuff Oreos and a glass of milk (skim of course...). I will enjoy red wine and dark (very dark) chocolate... I will do all these things, because being healthy is good. But being who I am is even better. And I know, that the good friends I have don't care if I never workout another day in my life as long as I'm healthy and happy. So yes, I enjoyed my workout tonight. And, I'm really hoping since football is done and I have my life back, that I can actually enjoy working out a few nights a week. But, keep the freezer and snack cupboard loaded because root beer floats and double stuff Oreos... you my favorite comfort friends, are in serious danger!! Speaking of which... time for that before bed snack!

The Giving Moment

Some say that it's the little things that make us who we are. Tthe little things that happen, the little things we notice, the brief moments in time that shape who we are and what we believe. Not just what we believe in, but what we hope for, and what we set our dreams on, who we are at the base of our soul. It's the little moments that are so meaningful at the time they occur, those brief moments that touch our heart, and we think we'll never forget that moment, and how we felt in that moment. You hope you can alwasy remember that moment as clear tomorrow and next year as you felt it when it happened today. Today I had that moment. That heart touching, tear inducing, bring me back down to earth and face reality moment. Today, I was at the coffee shop, which I am at 5 days a week about 3 times a day, but today was different. Today was Maryanne, the owners, birthday, and she is a great person, but "the moment" was when I walked into the coffee shop and stepped up to the counter to see her hugging Dave. This is the moment... Dave is this elderly gentleman, who is there at the coffee shop almost as often as I am. I have heard his stories as I've passed through, and it really shames me to say that I've ignored him, although I've nodded and said hello, I've never talked to Dave, even though Dave says hello to everyone. You see, Dave is the homeless man that sits in the coffee shop drinking ice water in the summer to stay out of the heat, and coffee in the winter to stay out of the cold. Dave is Maryanne's customer. He may not always be able to pay, he may not always order something other than a glass of water, but Dave listens. Dave hears things. And today, today Dave took 95 cents out of his 35mm film container and bought Maryanne a slice of apple spice cake for her birthday. Dave didn't buy himself a breakfast muffin. He didn't save it for half a sandwich at lunch. Dave may not always get a meal, and may not know when he can get the next one when he does get a meal, but today was Maryanne's birthday, and today Dave spent his money on her. I walked into the coffee shop today to see Maryanne giving him a hug, with a tear in her eye, and to see the little piece of birthday cake. I knew, and Maryanne knew, that Dave had given just about everything that he had for someone that he thinks of as a friend. Dave gave something to her that wasn't just a piece of cake, he gave it all except for the few pennies he had leftover. And he gave me something. He gave me the gift of just witnessing someone give everything that they have for another. How many times can you really say that you have witnessed an act so generous? How many times? I can't remember any other time that I have witnessed such a self-less and giving act. It was an act so small, yet so kind and so full of meaning that I cannot even begin to express everything I felt in that moment. Dave gave everything in a piece of birthday cake. Everything that makes my heart feel heavy with shame for not respecting him more as a person, and yet light as a feather for knowing that this type of generosity still exists, that there is hope for me as a person to be the kind of person I saw today in Dave. Dave gave Maryanne an absolutely perfect birthday gift. And I know that Maryanne will treasure the memory of that gift, and I know that I will treasure the memory. And I only hope that in a week or month or years from know that when I look back, I can feel that moment as strongly as I felt it today. Because that type of moment, that moment, will help me be a better person, and I don't ever want to forget that moment.

Friends

There are these people around me that realize when I'm tired, when I'm just in a down right "pissy" mood, or when I am in a really good mood and just feel like laughing. They have seen me at my worse and at my best. They have seen the bad hair and the red eyes from crying. They have seen the messy house days and they have been over to see the wonder of the clean house. They have shared in my sorrow and felt my pain with the sadness. They have reveled in my joy and they have laughed both at me and with me, probably more at me than with me, but I would have it no other way. I would much rather have honest people around me that will check me and point out those flaws and clueless moments, than to have someone who didn't care if I made a fool of myself. I would have it no other way than to surround myself with those that know how to lift me up when I am down, who know how to stay away when I need space, and who know how to comfort me when I just need someone to be there. They have this sense of who I am, although very few of them know all of "me," but they know the important things and even some of that which I don't often share. They can laugh at my frustration and help me ease from rage to anger to just upset without me pulling my hair out, or theirs. They can look me in the eyes and see that person inside me, and they know that of all these things they do for me, that I would do for them. I want to be the friend that cares, who asks about their day, their family and their health. I don't do any of this as much as I should, but as life and time allow, I want to show that I care. I want to be that person for all of them that they are to me. Even if it means just being there and nothing else. I want to be the one who will be there. Whether it's to watch them so they don't fall, or to catch them when they have. I want to be that person. I want to be the person that I see in each of them, and I want to return the favor of their friendship plus ten times more. I want to be able to look back in 5, 10 and 20 years and see each of them still having a hold on my life, and vice versa. I want those friendships to be nurtured and to endure. I am thankful for these friends and the affect they have on my life, my heart and my soul.

Happy Halloween...

So why is it that the "holiday" that requires walking around town with three children has to happen in the fall, with the wind and the rain and before the time change so it is dark by 6:00 pm. Who decided this?

Why can't Halloween be in August when you have those nice long summer days and when walking around at 6pm would be an enjoyable act? Instead, my toes are numb and cold, my pants are drenched, my coat is soaked right through (we weren't going to go in the rain... it just waited to down pour until we had just turned the corner off the main street to walk the TEN blocks back to where we parked the frickin' van)... Of course, no complaints from the kids. They are so hyped up on sugar that now that it is crash and burn time, they will sleep well in their sugar induced comas.

Although, I think I saw more people tonight than at the annual Summerfest activities. All of them, walking the streets along with their children. Some of them dressed up, almost beyond recognition. I do enjoy Halloween. I know there is all sorts of "debate" on the whole "holiday" be it religious or extremely non-religious; however, I think it is what you make out of it. I'm not celebrating anything unholy, I'm out freezing my butt off in this lovely fall weather, spending some actual quality time (walking and talking between houses - even in the rain - was a rare pleasure to share with my kids), and stockpiling our cabinets with candy that will last until the Easter bunny brings the next truck load.

So anyway, here's the three kiddos (after 2 hours in the rain so most of the costumes were off by this point - someone remind me next year to get the BEFORE picture)... Happy Halloween everyone!

My Bio Poem...

Valerie Ann ...
Who is... kind and caring, giving and nurturing, fun and friendly, sincere and joking;
Who is... mother to three beautiful children and wife of 12 years;
Who loves... her family, friends, God and living life to its fullest;
Who needs... to see the smiles and hear the laughter of those she loves and to feel joy in the world around her;
Who gives... of herself, of her time, of her soul to those she loves;
Who feels... that there is not enough time to enjoy these things, as time and childhood fly by so quickly;
Who fears... that one day time will be gone completely and there won't be enough moments and laughter to hold onto;
Who would like to... scrapbook all the memories and laughter, and journal all the joys and fears so that she,
Who shares... these memories and events with her family will be remembered in the hereafter;
Who is... looking forward to the next time she gets to spend time making more memories with her family.

Scrapbook Motivation...

I am really needing some motivation right now. I have an overnight scrapbooking weekend coming up. Polly (see her web link for great ideas - wow - i'm a commercial) and I are hosting our third attempt at this. It has always been so much fun, but this time I've been so busy with football and work and everything else that I haven't even so much as thought about what to bring, what to sell, what pictures to work on... Oh my head is just spinning as I think of all the "stuff" I haven't done.

Why is it that procrastination has always been a personality trait for me. Polly, the diehard, has done all her pre-made pages, she has her lists and her organized for sale stuff complete with labels (I'm not trashing her - I'm completely jealous of her skills and abilities in this area)! I need a night to do this... I worked until 6 tonight (yeah, that sucks). Tomorrow is Halloween... think the kids would care if I told them they had to stay home so mom could get ready to scrapbook? Maybe I could pay them off.... Now that is a good idea! And Thursday... well, it's my Thursday night TV. I might really have to TIVO it all and save it for ... when? Some other time when I have nothing better to do? Yeah right, it will take me 2 weeks to make up one free night of television; however, I have heard that it rots your brain so maybe I need to save those few brain cells for the upcoming weekend and hope they are creative brain cells.

Of course you may ask, what the heck are you blogging for if you have scrapbook stuff to do? Well, I have 5 (yes 5) music cd's that my dad has been begging me to burn for 6 (yes 6) months... So, before he has to ask me for the millionth and one time tomorrow, I promised him to do this tonight. So, while swapping out cd's to copy all my uploaded (legally) music for him, I am blogging as my mind goes crazy thinking what else I could be doing... Oh, the horror of it all!

Success in Childrearing...

OK, so I'm not of the "age" yet where I can say I'm "good" at this. Can one ever say, "I was a complete and utter success at everything involved in child rearing..." I doubt it. I look at some of the best moms I know and I know they have "things" they might change, I know I do. And in those times of wondering could I screw this up anymore (usually when they are fighting, dinner is burning and homework is again being done at 8:00 at night..) you suddenly are hit with the revelation of revelations, "wow, they really do listen to what I say."

The other day was one of those days when I realized that, by golly, I must be doing "something" right. I decided this when I realized that my three year old had just "out-witted" me with my own wisdom. On the way to school, while asking me about what everyone was doing that day and what we were doing when we got home, he asked if I would play with him that night. Now, playing with my children is something I love to do; however, I also know better than to promise him to devoted and uninterrupted playtime, since by the time I get home do dinner, go through homework and everything, the play time seems to get cut short. And, I knew that night was one of those nights (which does little for your self-esteem as a mother to realize that you have to choose dinner vs. play or homework vs. play, etc...).

Anyway, while telling him that mommy really wanted to play and if we got home and ate all our dinner really quick and mommy would play with him while we helped the older kids with homework, he (the ever so wise 3 year old) tells me in this matter of fact tone. "I know you will play with me mommy, because it's nice to play with others, and God likes it when we are nice to each other." Hmmm... yes God, I will play tonight, we may eat frozen dinner or fast food, but my three year old will have a play mate to "be nice to him" tonight, because yes God, I know you like it when we are "nice to each other."

Keep Moving Forward...

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors, because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." ~ Walt Disney ~

Yes, I have been inspired by Walt Disney, or a movie in his name. I just watched "Meet the Robinsons" with my kiddos, and it is inspiring. I think it's good to sit back and enjoy a nice, feel-good, let's unwind and eat popcorn movie... and yes, maybe I cried at the end (isn't that what Walt Disney really means - you will cry...). Well I did. And, for Meet the Robinsons being a "kid" movie. There is a whole lot in there that I, and probably most any adult, to learn from (and I love the theme song, "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas).

I will keep moving forward. As children we stood up when we fell down, we wiped the dirt and gravel from our knees and hands, we jumped back on the bike that tried to kill us, and we kept moving forward. A little road gravel didn't slow us down, a broken hand, a sprained ankle, whatever the ailment, as a kid it didn't matter. Whatever the insult or injury, you just kept going. As adults, I think we lose some of this, whether it's age (it is harder to jump back up as you get old, the back and knees just don't cooperate as well as they used to), or just the fact that sometimes it is defnitely hard-mentally-to stand back up and get on the bike when you've been knocked down so many times. Sometimes I wonder when it will be my time, my moment in the sun, my time to shine, and any type of disappointment is hard, but even as an adult, I know I have to keep moving forward.

I will do just as I did as a kid, I'll stand up wipe the dirt off, "suck it up" as they say, face my fears and move on. I won't let the hurt feelings, the scraped knees or the humility of being knocked down in front of the world stop me from moving on. I will look at each failure as an opportunity to learn. I will accept the challenges of "new" situations and know that by doing so, I will teach my kids the same thing. And yes, I will keep watching "kid" movies. Because I like simple. I like good and wholesome, and I like knowing that there is still good around me and good to pass onto the next generation. And now, I can go to bed with a good song running through my head, for as the song "Little Wonders" says... "Let it go, Let it roll right off your shoulders, Don't you know, the hardest part is over..."

Imagine...

One of my favorite songs of all times... "You may say that I'm a dreamer..."

I'm in a dreaming type mood right now. Listening to the Jack Johnson version of this great song just puts you there. I could just close my eyes and let all my worries and problems disappear. I can close my eyes and breathe in and breathe out. I can close my eyes and see the beauty of life that is all around me if I take the time to see it, touch it and be in it. I can close my eyes and see me where I am today and be grateful for all the little things that have made me who I am today. I can see who I am and be thankful that I sincerely like the person I am and the person I see in the mirror. I can just lay back and dream. I can imagine and I can be me.

My Talking Stove...

I just had a little light bulb hanging above my head! A great idea! Why hasn't someone invented a talking stove? Because for me, in my multi-tasking world... I need a talking stove. Because I can't even count the number of times I've turned on the wrong burner without realizing it and tried to start a fire, because in my kitchen there is always something sitting on the other three burners. Last time it was a leftover plate of pancakes that got burned to a crisp, this time it was just the empty pan that I hadn't intended to use just yet. The problem is that I am so accustomed to that smell, that nice hot, something is burning smell, that I don't notice it quick enough. And, when I do, for god's sake - don't grab a hold of the pan or the plate (whatever it is I happen to be burning) without a HOT PAD!

So why hasn't someone invented a stove that says, "You have turned on the right front burner. Please make sure the pan you want to use is on the right front burner. Please make sure your freshly washed hand towel is not on the right front burner as I am a new stove and do not want to be destroyed in your house fire just yet. Thank you." Or, how about this, "Your oven has been on for four hours at a temperature of 350 degrees. At this time, I think whatever it was you intended to cook - unless it's Thanksgiving - is completely and utterly destroyed or you have left me turned on just to make sure that I do work. If that is the case, yes I work and I am hot and tired of being at 350 degrees, if not, then please remove your disastrous cooking experiment from the oven area and place it directly in the garbage."

Of course, if and when I ever get time to make a really good meal, well then it would also be programmed to say, "You have just won mother of the week for working, being mom and still having time and energy to make this fabulous 3 course meal that is packed full of all the necessary vitamins and minerals. It has been an honor to cook with you." Yes, a talking stove with a little attitude would do me a world of good.

And yes, while I was blogging away, I realized that the front right burner has been on for 2 hours past dinner time. I managed to put the extra chili in a tupperware bowl and store it in the fridge, but that burner just doesn't speak up and say, "hello, this is your right front burner letting you know that I am still on and making sure that all of the extra chili is cooked right into your pan for extra duty cleaning. Have a nice night."

Lincoln Logs and Race Cars

So, the other night I had like three different, incredible blog ideas... but life happened. Namely, Robby Jay.... he decided mom hadn't played enough with him lately and that I needed to "play a game." That game ended up being Lincoln Logs and race cars on the floor for an hour and a half.

Now, I love playing on the floor, and I really don't do it often enough, but why do kids insist on building this great, fantastic, marvelous masterpiece of wood. You use all the lincoln logs available and even make a trip back to the bedroom for more, and then... then... you knock it down! And, what is really great, is that in the mind of this incredible 3 (3 and don't forget the 1/2) year old, the knocking down is better than all the building. I can put in fancy rooms with windows and make doors and even add a roof, and in the end, "whoosh" it all comes tumbling down in a burst of glory. And then, all of a sudden, it was time to put them away and play race cars. But, oh, don't try to keep the house together when you put it back in the tote, that's no good to have it pre-assembled for the next lincoln log session. I tried, believe me, I tried to save that masterpiece that I sat on the floor for so long to make (so long that I had numb feet and legs from sitting there), but I tried in vain. The "destructinator" (Robby Jay) decided "Mom, no... you can't leave it together" and then he decided to make sure by conveniently sticking his big boy foot in the tub and smashing my labor of love to pieces... but it brought a smile to his face.

But then, next was the race cars.... Now why is it that with race cars, you have to line up 100 different cars across my living room floor (on carpet nonetheless) and then feel completely helpless when this same 3 and 1/2 yr old decides "ready, set, go..." and you can't push 100 cars all at one time to make them race. How was I supposed to do this? I had to try and think quick, because the "Mommy can do it" look was on his face.... Of course, it was really only like 15 - 20 cars, but when you are suddenly challenged to race them all at once, it seems like a 100. The quick thinking failed me, and I have to admit mommy did not know the answer to this one... So, what did this quick (rather, not so quick) thinking mom do? I bailed, I distracted, I tried the "which one do you think will win?" and the "guess which one is mommy's favorite?" But it was all to no avail. Robby wanted to race... So, what do you do? I am ashamed to say, at 10:30 at night, I bribed my way out of race cars with the option of watching "Barnyard" instead. Who wouldn't rather here a cow sing Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down"? I know it seemed like the better option to me!

But back to the beginning of my blog, being that I did originally, three nights ago, have some really good ideas to blog about, but I lost them. They are somewhere in the neverland of my mind, buried under lincoln logs and race cars, and some night, I'm sure I will be wide awake at 3 am and those ideas will hit me all of a sudden, and maybe, just maybe I will have the energy to drag my weary self out of bed and blog those three good ideas that I once had... But, instead of those great blogs that I know I had... you get lincoln logs and race cars instead!

Mom Song...

You have to watch this, if you are a mom, or you have a mom.... I love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

Emmie

Well, it was a dark and stormy night... and I spent most of time collecting money in the ticket booth, which was warmer than working the concession stand. But oh, how I dread leaving the kids at home and running off to a football game that my boy isn't even playing, and especially when it is cold and wet, and especially when I know that as soon as I get home that I will just want to relax and unwind, but if you had seen my house before I left (football/cheerleading trophies and trophy boxes all over my living room, school papers all over the counter, etc...) you would know that there is more dread than relief at the thought of coming home; BUT, I want everyone out there to know the importance of a great, no FANTASTIC, babysitter.

She was everything I needed tonight. The kids were asleep (granted, I didn't get to say good night, but knowing they got to bed at a decent time is a weight off my chest), the house was picked up and my youngest boy's room was, what is the word.... CLEAN! Before I left, his room was in the stage 2 of me deciding to empty all the baskets and bins of toys and dump them in the middle of the floor to sort it all out; Stage 1 was the dumping and Stage 2 the sorting - yeah, I hadn't gotten to that yet, since football took over my life for the last 9 weeks.

But now, now I can walk through his room again! And you know what, I would give her an extra $10 on top of the babysitting $ any day of the year just to know that when I get home, I can do just what I've done... relax. Yes, there was paperwork to do and newsletters to print, but I didn't have the dishes in the sink taunting me, "wash me, wash me..." and I didn't have to sit here at the computer thinking, I really should be cleaning instead (even though my day started at 5:30 am and I've done nothing but 'work' since then and it is now 11:30 pm)!

I guess having family, friends and relatives nearby to help out is something I've taken for granted. But I didn't take it for granted tonight. Tonight I fully accept the value of having my Emm around and being able to trust her to feed my kiddos, take care of them, love them and take care of me by picking up after my family... I owe her my greatest source of happy for today! Happy today = Good Babysitter!! Oh, sweet relief and pleasure in having the babysitter of the year living next door to me! So, if you are ever in need, and in the Southwest Michigan area... let me know. I'll hook you up with Emmie - she's the greatest!!!

Revelation of sorts...

I just realized that as people I know start to read the random crazy thoughts of Val, that they might realize who this quiet person really is. Not that I will change my blogging style... I only know one way to write, and that's from my heart. It's just now, when I see someone I have to realize that they know I like to dance around my kitchen and sing at the top of my lungs (and again - I will affirm that this is something you do NOT want to hear).

Blogging is definitely not like my journals that I've kept for years. Those are still private. No one reads them, or even knows where they are, other than me. Blogging sites should have a warning label of sorts, like: "yes idiot, this is a WWW site, which does stand for world wide web, which does mean that any other idiot in the entire world can read your thoughts as you pour your heart out; and yes, that means that if you see this person on the street, there may be some uncomfortable situation when that person asks how the posing in front of the mirror is going..."

Or something to that affect, not that all of us internet surfers are idiots, just a new generation of nerds I guess. So, anyway, that is my revelation of sorts. Although I will continue to blog my heart away, while my fingers try to keep up with the thoughts I am thinking, but I now realize that when I see you on the street, I will have to smile and say - really, I only dance around the kitchen fully clothed and I only sing at the top of my lungs to good songs (no more Barney tunes).

RAMBLING WARNING... The unorganized thoughts in my head that prevent sleep...

There are these times, my mind is going so fast and thinking in so many directions. I want to scream all the emotions and feelings that I have. I want to hold those I love close forever, and I want to grab those that I feel are just passing by and hold them close and make them part of my life. I want to share who I am, and I want those around me to know the craziness of my mind. The love, the hate, the good, the bad, all the emotions I feel and lock inside me, I want to just scream them.

But instead, I sit in the dark with my mind reeling over and over, the thoughts and the dreams tumbling over and over in my head. I can't sleep because my mind won't let me. I can't dream because there are too many dreams and goals to try and get into one night of dreaming. I can't sing because there are too many songs that are going through my mind. I want to slow down. I wan't to enjoy dreaming each individual dream and singing each individual song that my heart wants to hear. I want to sit back and close my eyes and see where the path of life has led me, where I may have wandered, what would have been, and what is to come now.

I want to crawl back under the bed or into the back of the closet like when I was a kid and didn't know how to say what I needed to say. I would lock myself up and write and write and get all those thoughts on paper and then hold them close to not lose the part of me that I just put on paper. Now, I type away and hope with all my heart that the computer won't crash or the internet won't implode and my ramblings, dreams, thoughts, desires and craziness of life in general won't disappear on me.

I need to not be lost. I need to keep this rambling crazy thoughtful person in my head. I need to keep this crazy yet amazing mind that refuses to let me sleep. I need to keep these thoughts and moments that inspire me and lead me to this dark kitchen in front of this spot on this great big web of information that holds just the thoughts that I need to express. Just the things that I need to help me sleep, if just for a little while. I need to let go of stress and I need to sing and dance. I need to write. And I am so glad that there are so many things that inspire me lately, whether or not they will all make it onto paper/computer, I may never find out. But I just need to sit and type as fast as my fingers will go to keep up with the thoughts... the thoughts.

It's almost as if being haunted, if haunted I ever was. Lost... Lost in thoughts and lost in my mind and the world that brings so much to me that I want to write about. The people and places that run through my head.... and then rambling on I go (I warned you if you read the very first blog that I would often just ramble craziness that was in my head)... So read, if you must, and read if it might inspire you. But when you see the RAMBLING WARNING.... know that I AM JUST GETTING STUFF ONTO THIS MACHINE SO THAT I CAN GET SOME SLEEP!!!!

Dancing in the Kitchen...

Playing fun, upbeat music and dancing in the kitchen with the kids while making dinner has got to be one of my favorite things to do, one of my favorite ways to lighten up and relieve the days stress and anxiety and to have fun with my three most favorite people in the world. I have done this for 11 years now, actually longer, I used to dance by myself in the house when I was pregnant.... and sing to the baby in my belly (what a sight that would have been if someone walked in unannounced!)

Robby and I just got done jamming to "Put me in Coach..." we had to play it about 10 times and danced and sang at the top of our lungs... I think we scared the cat away, and knocked a few dishes off the counter in the mean time... but it was fun!

All of my kids love music and love to sing, even though we might not be the next American Idol... I love that they can relax and have fun this way. Yes, there are dishes to do and rooms to clean, but you have to lighten up and dance. Once your body is moving, feet are tapping and the whole room is spinning as we dance in circles.... once that all happens, there is no way to be tired and grumpy. This is my new recipe for relaxation and fun... and the easiest, funnest way to burn calories!!

"Put me in coach, I'm ready to play today..." And so life moves one, and I will choose to dance anyday! Can I have this dance??

I will..

When I close my eyes and see the past moments that I've shared with friends and those I care about, I can truly smile and be at peace. I have faced the issues that I have with myself and my future. I know that no matter what I decide and where I go, that there are people around me that will always accept me as I am. I am not perfect - not even close - and I don't mind admitting it. It's actually a relief to say it. I AM NOT PERFECT... and I want to quit pretending that the world around me is.

I can't do it all; I can't have it all. I'll keep trying, I know I will. I've never been a quitter. But, I have accepted that there will be times that life will turn it's back on me. I will scrape my knees and fingers to the bone trying to pull my way back to the top, but I will survive. I will crawl my way over each and every mountain that I face. I may be black and blue when I get there, but I will stand tall and I will accept that I screwed up. But I won't quit. I will smile with each obstacle that is met, knowing that life has made me strong.

I will chase each friendship and not let them just fade away from me. I will get my degree. I will write and create. I will photo journal the smiles of those I love. I will be a role model for my children (again - not a perfect one - but a good one). I will do what feels good and what makes me happy. I will do things that make you, my friend, happy; and I will stand by and watch with a smile as life makes you happy.

I will try to stop living in fast forward, with that constant motion, and I will take a break to just sit, and breathe - in and out - and then I will close my eyes and feel the calm in the world around me, just for that second...

I will feel the twitter in my chest and the lump in the back of my throat everytime I see a new baby and wish I had had one more. Maybe two... I will smile though knowing that I have 3 perfect and healthy children that I won't trade for anything in this world.

I will be honest to myself. I will look in the mirror each morning and be glad that I am who I am, with my athletic build (i.e... flat chest) the too thin blonde hair, the oily and much less than perfect complexion, and that glimmer of hope in my eyes... I will look at that person in the mirror and accept and love who I see looking back. I will not envy those around me. I will teach my preteen daughter to do the same. I will teach my sons to do the same.

I will never again try to be "super mom" (okay that may be an exaggerated statement... because if you know me... you know I will keep trying to figure out how to be Superwoman - with the spiffy jet and all). I will accept help when offered and not say - "no thanks, I'm fine..." I will latch on to that offered help and suck up every little bit of help it has to offer, hopefully I don't scare the helpful person away...

I will, I will, I will... I will be me.

Me...

" As she bends & breaks for everyone else, she struggles not to lose herself..."

I think that I do love bending over backwards for those around me... I've been doing it my whole life. I have friends that give me constructive criticism all the time by telling me I do "too much". When does that line of losing yourself and that person being who you are get crossed. I think I am good at doing things for others. If someone needs help, needs advice, needs a volunteer, or they want to chat, or just need to come sit in my living room and chat/vent until WAY past my bedtime (this would be Dan and Nicole... ) I will do it. I will give and give and give. I have always done that, but why does that mean I lose myself. Isn't that WHO I am?

I guess I see that there are pieces of who I am that have been left behind, but being giving is still part of me. Maybe becoming so much of a giver and doing all this extra stuff for everyone else has taken over those other parts. So, maybe I have lost part of me... I have struggled with little things - the piano and writing and going to school... Things I love to do that I just don't have time for anymore. But am I lost? Or, did I just grow and become a different me? Did I lose part of me? Or, did I just set it down to rest until the dust of life settles at my feet (hopefully not on my grave...) Did I become a better person?

I think I have definitely grown... I will always be learning and growing. Once you stop learning life lessons I think you have stopped appreciating life. There is always something to learn, someone to learn from and ways to grow and develop your inner self. I have made decisions, I have stepped up to the plate and decided to go on or to stop, I have decided to save parts of me, and I have secrets that I will relive over and over again, but never tell a soul. I have become who I am by learning from those that I help. I have become a better person by giving so much that it does hurt at times.

But hurt is good. Hurt means you still have a soul and a conscience that care. Hurt means you can love. Hurt means you can lose, but there is no losing if you aren't living. Being able to help those that need me. Even if it's just stopping over at mom's to say hello when I know she's had a rough day. Or even if it's just sending that quick little text to a friend that had a really bad night... Or maybe it's just standing strong and being supportive of something I don't like at all, just so my baby brother will have more courage overseas... maybe it's just being there for him. Maybe... all these volunteer hours for kids and school and sports will pay off. Maybe, even if no one ever notices, mabye I will realize that who I am is not who I've lost. Who I am is who I've become. Maybe I cannot be everything. I want to do it all. I want to be everything to everyone, but maybe there is a scale on my back that finally just says "STOP... OVERLOAD!" I don't think so... I think I will continuously trade this for that. Help this person and trade in that want of my own....

Maybe I should quit rambling, which I have become too good at lately, and just stop thinking. I enjoy giving and will give. I will bend over backwards for those I care about, and I will struggle with what I have to give up in the process to make room for that extra chore, that extra time that is needed. But I will not lose who I am. I will remind myself day in and day out that I am ME. I am a good soul, with a loving and kind heart. I deserve the best of life and I will choose to be happy. I will not lose ME. I will just make room to become a better Me...

Your Deck Chair...

"One of my favorite "Peanuts" cartoons starts with Lucy at her five-cent psychology booth, where Charlie Brown has stopped for advice about life."Life is like a deck chair, Charlie," she says. "On the cruise ship of life, some people place their deck chair at the rear of the ship so they can see where they've been. Others place their deck chair at the front of the ship so they can see where they're going."The good "doctor" looks at her puzzled client and asks, "Which way is your deck chair facing?"Without hesitating, Charlie replies glumly, "I can't even get my deck chair unfolded."Charlie and I are soul mates." (taken from MESSY SPIRITUALITY by Michael Yaconelli (nonfiction))

I took this excerpt out of my daily book club and it made me smile! I've been feeling crazy and worn out, confused and like my life is a mess. I don't understand so many things about life at this young age... maybe when I grow up I'll figure it all out. I'm committed to so many things that it feels like I don't even have time to breath, and then... there is good old Charlie Brown to make you feel better. Because even I... I at least have my chair unfolded. It may rotate between the rear and the front of the boat and I know I can't make up my mind as to what I want sometimes, but I have my chair unfolded - I just have to decide where to put it! I know I want to be at the front of the ship, but the "problem" being that too many times I don't want to be in the deck chair... I want to be steering the boat! I want to have the control and drive that ship in whichever forward direction I want. No map needed! If there is a nice little caribbean island in one direction, maybe that's where I want to go, or the next day... maybe it will be an entire trip around the world. So, Charlie Brown, my problem is not unfolding the deck chair, it's accepting that I'm not the Captain in charge! Or maybe I am... :-) Thanks Charlie Brown!

Fast Forward...

Today, while driving, I realized that I spend too much time in fast forward. I have to fast forward to the next track of the cd when the end of one song is approaching so I don't have that 10 seconds of lull between tracks, I have to switch constantly between radio stadios if there is no cd until music is found, I have to fast forward through commercials, and too many people know for a fact that I drive to fast. It's like I can't relax long enough to just wait those few seconds, too enjoy that pause between songs... I realized that I'm breezing along and not taking enough time to enjoy the down time. Of course, the pot of coffee in the morning and the large mocha with triple espresso probably doesn't help me relax!

Happiness & Wisdom...

How do you make your own happiness? Dad used to say it was a decision... just like love. He would say, "You decide each morning when you wake up ' I will be happy today.' " I have to say, he was always a happy person. Singing and humming to himself or to anyone that could hear the tune deaf songs he would sing. Even when times were rough or when his body wasn't as cooperative as his mind. He always said that happiness wasn't a thing that happened, it was what we made it. He also has always said that between happiness and love that he is the richest man in the world. And that real riches aren't based on your bank account. He also had his theories on marriage and love (which must be true to a point since they've been married almost 34 years...) He always says that once you make that commitment it's the decision to stick with it that makes it love. The love feelings (lust and passion) and the other stuff come and go, but you decide - Yes I am, or No I'm not going to love this person. Yes I am or No I'm not going to support them. Yes I am, or No I'm not going to be here for them. I'm finding at this wonderful time in my life that I think Dad was/is one of the smartest men I know. No college education, but he had the knowledge of life and he tried everyday to pass that onto us. Hopefully, if I gain anything in this life, it's learning how to be happy. Not just accepting that where I am is where I am and telling myself I'm happy, but actually waking up everyday and finding that reason for happiness... Tomorrow I will wake up and be that eternal optimist that I always try to be, and tomorrow I will smile when the alarm goes off, and I will smile and shrug my shoulders and relax and listen to the music on the radio when I get stuck behind that slow driver because there may be a very good reason that the man upstairs doesn't want me two minutes ahead of where I am. Tomorrow, I will wake up and find that reason for happy, and I will take time to enjoy the little bits of sunshine in my busy day, and I will kiss my kids goodbye and remember just how they look leaving for school. Tomorrow I will get up, and check my attitude. A wise uncle of mine gave me the following two bits of wisdom, and said they are words of wisdom that he keeps with him daily, and I have to say, I have never seen him without a smile on his face...

ATTITUDE By CHARLES SWINDOLL
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on my life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge or our Attitudes!”

SUCCESS
(Author unknown)
“To laugh often and much…to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children…to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends…to appreciate beauty…to find the best in others…to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition… to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded.”

Little Bits

Sometimes, you just have got to move on. I've cried - a lot lately - and I still stand by my opinion that a good cry cleanses your soul, although it leaves me looking red, puffy and blotchy. But out of everything that life deals to me, (supposedly not more than I can handle, although sometimes it brings me right to the brink of that cliff that looks down into the deepest and darkest canyon) I still want to see the light at the end of it all. I want to be an eternal optimist, hoping that the world will result in a final "Happy Ending" in a field of roses and daisies. I want to find that good person I once knew... I want to know that I haven't wasted years of aimless searching only to end up at that dead end. I want to know that the years I've spent searching and reaching for happiness have made me stronger.

There are days when that dark cliff looks like the end, and sometimes I swear I feel someone trying to push me over the edge, but then there are moments, brief glimpses, little bits of time, when that spark of sunshine starts to break through. I look down at the bottom of that dark cliff and wow, there's a rose bush in full bloom. It's then that I realize that whatever road I may have ended up on, is holding something for me, I just have to look hard (sometimes I have to stare for what seems like forever) and then I'll find it. It may even smack me on the forehead like it's been staring back at me for the same amount of time I was looking for it. But it's there... Life is there. Life that holds great moments of glory if I just stop to look for them.

Life is there, and it's not waiting, time won't stop, and if I don't stop to listen, that moment of happiness will pass me by. Life is there, and sometimes, in that darkest hour, I just have to step up and move on, and I have to keep looking for that moment before it does smack me in the face, because with my luck, it would probably knock me out cold when I did run into it...

Those moments are there, and I will find them. I will take that deep breathe and savor each little glimpse of happiness. Because in the end, that's all it is. It's not that I was born or that I died, but it's all those little bits of life that I take for granted in between that make my life what it is, and make me who I am. Those little bits of happiness that are just waiting for me to find them.

Words...

Remember the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." While good in theory in teaching young kids to ignore the talk of school yard kids, is so far from the truth. Lately, I've realized that words said can never be undone. You can apologize, and you can ignore them, and you can yell and scream and curse in response, but once said, those words forever leave a mark on your heart and soul. No venting and no response will make that mark go away.

Those words cannot be unsaid, and whenever I try to think past them, I can't. You can't forgive the person that said them if they think what they said is right. You can't pretend anger was the source and that it didn't really mean anything.

Those words... they will try to drown you, they will haunt your thoughts, your dreams, they build that impenatrable wall around your heart, and they make you become defensive. Those words... I remember mom telling us when we were fighting to remember that those words could be the last thing you ever say to the person you are fighting with. And to never go to bed angry, and to never leave without saying I love you. And now, I know what she means, because once those words are allowed to fester, they just grow overnight like a horrid infection in the cut on your heart.

Those words don't allow you to think straight. They don't allow you to breathe and relax. You dwell on them and you try to figure out if they are right, are they words that are true in anyway. I think I know the truth, I think I know what is right and who I am. I think I know that who I am is where I want to be going, but those words make me question everything that I know to be right.

Tears will well up inside me everytime I think about those words, and wonder how much they were meant as truth and if they were possibly only said in anger, but do you say something in anger that you unconsciously don't really believe? I can't fight the words, I can't understand those words, and I can't forgive those words, nor can I take back any of my own words. And then, you realize you are at that cross road, that place in your life where you decide is it sink or swim? Am I treading water and staying afloat or am I slowly drowning. Will I slowly drown in these words...

Grandpa's Memories

We all know him as Daddy, Grandpa, Pops, Papa and Friend. He had 85 years of family and friends, and he spent his time making more memories than I could ever try to capture on paper. His one daughter spent three hours trying to write down all her memories, and even then, I’m sure she’ll think of memories in the days and weeks and years to come that she didn’t think of in those three hours. We could all sit around a fire pit for hours on end and talk about all the memories we share. They are good memories; some may be sad, some may be humorous, and some are just good heartfelt memories that help us remember who Donald Hill was.

Donald Francis Hill was a son, a brother, a friend, a dad, and a grandfather. He served his country well in WWII as a service member of the US Navy. He also served his community with almost 15 years of service on the Kalamazoo County and Barry County Sheriff’s Departments; he served his family well by using that position on the sheriff’s department to escort a daughter to the hospital with a cut up hand, and giving his wife a ticket, even though she may have been determined that she didn’t quite deserve it, but there was no sweet talking out of that one. He was a farmer, and he was a trucker, and he would take turns taking his children with him for a week or more at a time on the road. He helped his daughter conquer her fear of never driving again, after crashing the same car twice in a row, by making her get in and drive when she was too afraid to do it. He also enlisted the help of his son to cover up the fact when he crashed his own car, so his wife wouldn’t know.

He loved summertime, boating and fishing on the lake, and teaching his kids, grandkids and friends of them all to ski and fish. He would take them fishing and then head to the Circle Inn for breakfast with all the syrup you wanted. Gramps didn’t care if you had a plate of syrup, he’d let you have more. Grandpa also didn’t care if you wanted to fish, but didn’t want to bait your own hook, he’d do it for you. He loved to cook out for the houseful of friends and family that were always there at his house on Gun Lake. He’d stand by the grill with his drink and cigar, or what little nub of the cigar was left, and grill those pork ribs, brats, burgers, or even the teeny tiny one bite fish that his grandson would spend the day catching, and that grandpa would patiently scale and clean. He would take us all out to the island on the pontoon boat, which was loaded to the max with kids, grandkids and the dogs. Spending an entire day at the island and then parking the boat on the lake to watch fireworks on the 4th of July.

He was a good man, who once drove 200 miles for a daughter and his son-in-law, just to build special steps to make getting into the house easier. He once drove, for what seemed like hours, around San Diego on Christmas day with me and my newly enlisted USMC husband just to find a place that was open to make sure we had a Christmas dinner with family. He was a father and grandfather who was always there for his family, he would listen and be there for you, and he accepted us all for who we are. He spoiled his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. There was always plenty of chocolate and candy to be shared by grandpa. Even after he had his stroke, he still helped his great-grandson learn how to walk with him and his walker, and then he taught him how to drive the scooter. He loved to garden, and once he was beyond being able to do the gardening himself, he still loved to supervise and make sure it was done the correct way. He loved his dogs. Buttons, Freckles, Missy, Sammy and Socks, the dogs travelled with him wherever he went. And, he loved to travel. He and Grandma Josie would take their RV and head to their next destination, whether it was off to see his daughter Marrian, or just to Whiskey Creek campground in Michigan near his family.

He was a lot of things to a lot of people. He had special memories that he shared with everyone of us. And, he had a good full life. The best memory is a general one and how I choose to remember him, as being full of fun and laughter, and sharing that laughter with all the people in his life, and with a smile on his face. We love you Grandpa, Daddy, Papa… We will see you again one day.

Goodbyes..

As I sat today and watched my grandpa breathe his labored breathes and try to suffer through the pain, because he wanted to be coherent and say goodbye to family and not take any of his pain medications, and as he tried to tell us his goodbyes, I realized that I was being selfish. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want his life to be just memories in my heart and mind. I didn't want for my kids to feel the pain of losing a loved one. I didn't want to explain to my 3 yr old what dying meant. I didn't want my older two to feel that pain and hurt, the confusion and all the questions that life drops on you when you lose someone you love. I am selfish. I want him to fight death and fight a losing battle, just so we can have him here a little longer. He wants to "go home." He wants to go see Uncle John. And he doesn't want to be in a constant state of pain. I need to let go. I need to help my kids understand that letting go is okay. I need to hang onto my kids tight just a minute too long, and let them know that you can't always be too tough to cry. That crying is good for their soul and that eventually the pain will go away. I need to help my 3 year old understand that Papa is not getting better this time. I need to hug my family, aunts, uncles and cousins. I need to talk to my sister in Arizona. As I sit here and think if I should walk down one last time, even though it's almost 10 pm, I know they are still there with him. I wonder if my mom or one of my aunts or cousins will be by his side when he takes that last breath. I wonder if he is at peace. He decided a couple weeks ago that he wanted no more treatment, no more pain meds, and I wonder if there was anything we could have done. I wonder how much pain he feels. I wonder if he hears us tell him goodbye and tell him we love him. Does he know all the memories I have of him in my life. Does he know that every summer I think about all the summers we spent at the lake, on the pontoon, eating ribs and all the little blue gills we would catch off his dock. I can still see my mom and aunts "popping" shrapnel out of his back and shoulders as it would work it's way to the surface of his skin 30 some years later... Does he know how much I loved those summers? Spending time swimming at the island, learning to water ski, laying in the sun on the raft, and fishing off the dock. Does he know how much my kids will miss "Papa?" Will my 3 year old appreciate all the time he spent with Papa the first three years of his life, and how much he was Papa's "Boy." Does he know that every memory of him I see that grin and that half chewed cigar that he always had in his mouth? Does he know how much it meant to me that my first Christmas away from home, in San Diego, he drove to pick us up, and then drove us around for hours just trying to find someplace open to have Christmas dinner? Does he share the same memories? As he lays there in his unconscious mind does he see us, his family as we are and were? I hope so, because as weird as family can be sometimes, they are still good, and the memories get better with time, as the good memories stay with you and the not so good ones tend to drift away. And, now, I think I can say goodbye. It still hurts like hell, and the lump in my throat and chest actually hurt, and the tears in my eyes are burning, and I try and smile as Robby asks if he can draw a picture for Papa... Just one more. I don't want to be selfish, I want Grandpa to be at peace. I have to say goodbye.

Crystal Ball

I wish I had a crystal ball... sometimes when I don't know if I'm coming or going, or if I'm seeing a sunrise or a sunset. When I know the choices that have to be made, but need to map out the million possible courses my life could take based on that one decision. Just one... If there is only one decision in life you have to make, it could rock your world right out of the water and blow up in your face, or it could turn the world over where you might find that happiness and sunshine, that destination you were always bound to find in time. When does that decision come along to lead you to that place in life where you know "this is where I'm supposed to be." Does that choice come along once in a lifetime? Twice? And what happens if you choose answer A. (the world blowing up in your face) instead of answer B. (destination dream land)? Do you ever get the chance to go back and change your answer? Is there ever an open book test out of college and high school? Where is my crystal ball when I need it the most and where are the cliff notes for Life 101... Sometimes my conscience had ideas, but are they just musings or are they significant thoughts from the voice in my head? Probably not, since mostly that voice is just saying, "I need more coffee... and then some more sleep." (Too bad coffee doesn't promote sleep...) Does life allow you to make amends for one bad decision? But even if you could, you can't change that one bad decision because the other million "things" in the string of events and moments in your life would be changed, and is it worth risking the possibility of changing any of the good to rid of one bad? It's literally like being in the 'Twilight Zone'. I have a friend who admits she's "warped and twisted" when it comes to her sense of humor, maybe she has an angel or two that have decided to play havoc on my mind and my life...

Although, when I look at my life, I am mostly happy with the world around me. My children, friends and family, but then there is that "what if" and the "what now", the "what next" and the ever looming, "where do I want to be..." So many questions and even more answers and those million possibilities to the many answers, and it leaves my head spinning again, and this is when I start to confuse that sunrise and sunset. Am I at a new beginning? Am I at the end of the road where the fork to the left and the right both lead to the unknown? When do new beginnings start? When do you know that the road your on has definitely came to that dreaded dead end. Not an easy dead end, but one that has a narrow road, with trees on both sides that doesn't allow for a U turn, instead you have to back up, slowly, all the way down that dark and twisted, narrow road, all the while getting a kink in your neck from having to look back and drive at the same time. And, for those that didn't know, I hate getting a "kink" in my neck and I hate backing up. I'd much rather be going forward, always forward.

So, as my rambling took me off course (down that nasty, twisted, dirt road with the dead end) back on subject... Where is my crystal ball? Because right now, I could really use one.

Laughter

I copied this from an old blog of mine and entered it into a writing contest for a spot on a "Dear Reader" column and actually won! I thought I would repost it here...

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ee Cummings

Lately I tend to get too busy rushing through all the steps of mylife. The movements of going here and there, making this and fixing that, "Hurry comb your hair, brush your teeth, get your shoes on..."and the list goes on. In all this busyness, I sometimes lose sight of what is really important. I get irritable and stressed, and I tend to see those traits rubbing off on those around me.

Yesterday, amidst the rushing around and hurrying to do the littlethings, I was stopped cold in my tracks by...LAUGHTER! While trying to get three kids ready for bed and trying to finish dishes so that I can unwind and go to bed; I hear it--hysterical laughing. Myolder son is "mocking" me (using an overly stern, funny voice) andtelling the youngest "hurry and brush your teeth." Of course, of all funny things in the world, this voice is one my youngest finds hilarious, and of course, his belly laugh is completely contagious. So, my oldest, keeps going, and every time the youngest gets a louder and longer belly laugh.

Laughter begins to spread...my daughter is laughing, my husband is laughing, I think I even hear the goldfish laughing...I try to gain control, which I should have realized was a lost cause once the hilarity had set in, but I try... "come on, it's time for bed..." The only answer I receive is more laughing. A smirk at first, then a smile, next a giggle, and finally a true laugh as I break free from these bonds of time and control and slip back into enjoyment of the little things that life gives me. It's these moments in life, which are brief, too often forgotten and occur over a simple thing--like "lets mock mommy"--that keep me sane. In this world of schedules and deadlines, workloads and volunteer workloads (that become more work than the regular workloads), the light that breaks through the grayness of day to day mundane "stuff" is the laughter. The joy and laughter that my children share with each other and pass on to me is my sanity. Laughter really is the best medicine!

Superwoman...

I always wanted to be in her shoes for one day. Who? Superwoman. I could hop in my invisible jet and take off to another side of the world, take care of business and jet back in time to feed my family a full-course, healthy meal. I could use the super powers to take care of work (regular job 40 hour a week work), housework, and volunteer work in warp speed. I would look fabulous in that little tiny superhero costume and snap together those nifty little bracelets. Yes, I would like to be Superwoman for a day, or two, or three…

But, I’m not her. I’m not capable of using warp speed and my invisible jet. I just have the good reliable minivan that holds all the football league “stuff”, the kids backpacks, extra clothes, jackets, balls, some camping equipment leftover from the summer months in those lovely stow-n-go areas under the floor of my van, lots of miscellaneous paperwork, bills, and altogether “Junk.” And believe me, it is NOT invisible. Any poor person that is stuck riding in the minivan is subject to it. I wish it could be invisible. I wish I could be invisible. When those little hands are begging and pleading for one more snack, or one more video game, just one more… I wish I could disappear and not be the “mean” mom for making them be responsible young kids by eating healthy and going to bed at a normal time (or as close as humanly possible for those nights after practice, dinner, homework, baths and showers, when there isn’t much normal left). But, back to Superwoman, I am not her, nor am I invisible.

So, I will deal with this life of mine, and these kids that I love “more than the whole wide world,” as my youngest says. I will deal with my busy, overly busy, life. How? I’m not sure yet. For me it’s a daily challenge to balance it all. Right now as I type this I am “multitasking,” which means, typing, pushing play on the DVD player, checking homework, making dinner, sending out football emails, answering my phone, and listening to music, because I cannot multitask without music. As I finish this blog, I look at the clock and realize I started it about 2 1/2 hours ago. I deal and cope and as they say, I’m alive and still kickin’ and haven’t given up on it yet. Being like Superwoman would be nice and like a little vacation from it all. But knowing I am not superwoman just shows me that life isn't about super powers, It’s about coping, or the lack of coping sometimes.

Life is this series of non-super moments that teach me how to juggle and balance. They teach me about taking a deep breathe when I close my eyes and hope that invisible jet appears, then when I open them and see not a jet, but the spilled dinner plate on my floor that the youngest managed to drop and get on every square inch of surface area in my kitchen (rice and corn can sure fly when bounced off a plate on wood floors). So I will deal. I'll clean up that dinner plate.. since I can't leave the computer and go to the rest of the house without walking over it. And, I will yell at the kids to stop fighting because my head is pounding and I will go to bed and dream of that invisible jet to carry me away!

Ah...

I feel better already!

Some People

Ok, so I screwed up taping our son's football game. Although I am master of many things, videotaping sports is not one of them. Nor, did I ever state in my application for wife and mother (did I actually apply for this or did it just happen??) that I was a master of this. I didn't even claim to be frickin' an apprentice. But, suddenly you put one in my hand and I am supposed to be king of all cameras. Well, you know what... I'M NOT! When I do get the game on tape, it's either too far away, too close, too shaky, too much talking in the background... hire a frickin' videotaper then! I just want to watch the game!

So, anyway... yes, I screwed up and was hitting pause instead of record and vice versa for the whole first part of the game... You would think the world just came to a halt and flipped upside down on its orbit. Holy God almighty... Did I set the house on fire? NO! Did I lock a kid in the car outside? NO! Did I drop a fry pan and hit you upside the head - NO (may have crossed my mind but I didn't do it). But then, I laughed... I had a long day, and ooops, screwed that one up, but they lost anyway, oh well... That really did him in. Thought he was going to have a heart attack right then and there. "You think this is funny...." Well, no, but griping and chewing me out about it when I'm already sick of your football mindset, is not going to make it better, nor is it going to make me want to do it the next time... So, then World War (I think we are up to like100) 101 starts in our kitchen. I don't fight well, I get mad and yell and cry and it's not a pretty sight to see. So, because I screwed up a frickin' football tape (which like I said - was not the game gripper of the year that you would watch over and over again anyway) I am not speaking to him at this moment, of course it helps that he works night's and went to work. Why is a crazy football tape so important anyway? I just want to sit and watch him play and enjoy it while it's happening. And, after work, I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to know if it was good or wasn't because you know what? I DON"T CARE! As long as my kiddo played his best and had fun doing it ( and didn't break any major bones ) that's all I care about. I don't have time for one thing to watch it again, between working and then working for the football league, then doing school paperwork for the kids, and then dinner and then getting them in bed, when would I watch it again anyway?? I'm glad he has time to watch it over and over, but I don't. Urgh!

So anyway, wouldn't you think that my sanity and happiness was more important than a videotape? Obviously he is immune to the stress and the weight loss and the fact that I want to scream and pull my hair out. And then to start a fight over a STUPID TAPE! I don't get it. If I asked him to take a picture and he chopped half the family out of the picture? Oh well, life goes on. Doesn't it? Isn't tomorrow going to come and go with or without a video of last weeks game, and OH, isn't there another 20 dads that taped it also? I'm sure they are actually acclaimed Masters of that little device and did not screw it up like I did, and would be more than willing to give the Coach a copy? Oh heavens, to ask for some type of favor like that... Maybe I will just smash the whole frickin' camera and wrap it up in a nice little football box with lots of ribbon and a card for an actual professional videographer, because you know what.. I don't want the job!

Whirlwind

The wind is the chaos of my life blowing and churning around me. I have thoughts and plans and to-do lists and more chores and all of it is churning and storming and twirling around me. I've realized that all the chaos I've managed to make a part of my life has become this whirlwind around me that blows and pushes and knocks me back when I don't stand up strong enough. It's the force that tries to control where I go, what I do and lately who I am. This whirlwind has become so strong that the wind barriers that I try to put up just don't last. I try to make arrangments and delegate and the more time I make up for myself the more stuff I find that I need to do. And the wind keeps blowing and the storms start storming. Then, I find I'm dodging the lightning and the hail that the whirlwind has produced. I'm running for cover with no shelter to be found. My head is throbbing and my eyes just don't want to stay open. I am begging for sleep and rest. No more running and no more whirlwind, just peace and quiet. But when does the storm end, when will the force of the winds tire of besieging me? Will I succumb to the wind and the rain? Will I wrap myself in the presence of the whirlwind and face the deamons, step up to the storm and make myself stronger? Will I endure the pressure I face? Will the whirlwind run it's course? Will sunshine and a cool relaxing breeze find their way back to me?

Tears of Strength

I look at the woman around me and wonder why I can't be so strong. There is a tear rolling down my cheek and I only want to discover how to be like them. But who is strong? What makes you strong?

I look at my mother who has been married for 34 years and I know she is strong. She raised 5 productive and moral children and adopted a slew of others. She has waited on my dad year in and year out, and he has cherished her in return. Then, I look at my friend who was married for 14 years and filed for divorce. She was strong. She looked at the man she loved and knew he would never change. She knew he would never give her what she deserved and she was strong enough to walk out on the path of the unknown. She was strong enough to tell her 2 kids and explain to them why and how. She was strong enough to move on. Then... there is my other friend, who after 31 years of marriage walked away. She stuck around and raised her kids, watched them graduate, marry and move onto lives of their own. Then she decided it was time for her. At 50, she wasn't afraid to start over. She wasn't afraid of being "too old" to date again. She wasn't worried what people thought. She was strong.

I have friends and women all around me who face different "problems" day in and day out. I have a friend who has a childhood history and marriage history that would scare just about anyone away, but she keeps going. She is point blank forward to tell you what was wrong and why she did what she did. She is so strong. She is afraid, but she isn't afraid of being afraid. It's a part of life that she accepts and faces daily. She is strong enough to see her fears and look them in the eye. The don't always go away, but she is strong.

I have another friend that had a baby at 16, she graduated high school, got a pre-law degree and got married to a man who cherishes her and another man's son like they are the most precious life on earth. She is strong. She faced the criticism of an age in time when it was not a "cool" thing to be pregnant in school. She didn't run and hide. She didn't drop out. She kept going. I have another friend that faced the demons in her life, she took all the pain around her and focused on being happy. She has made a life for herself with a great husband and a lovely little boy. She is spiritual even after all she has gone through. She is kind and caring and has given of herself in so many ways.

Then there is my great-grandmother, she will be 90. She lived through the depression and the wars. She buried her husband and her daughter. She has buried many grandchildren and even great-grandchildren and one great-great grandchild. She is the strongest woman I know. She may seem old and frail, but she has lived, and she has cried many many tears, and she is still this source of freshness when you are around her. Her stories never get old, and her tears may never go away, but she is strong.

I could go on and on... Each woman I know could be another chapter in my book on strength. Each woman has some quality that I envy. And each of them has taught me how to keep going. Sometimes I don't know in which direction, but I will keep going. And for each tear I cry, and for each sob that catches in the back of my throat... I think of them. I think of them and how it is that they can all be so different and all be so strong at the same time. I think of all the tears they have cried and the pain they have endured and I know that each tear we have all cried are tears of strength. The men in our lives may think these tears make us weak, but they are not weak. These tears allow me to let go of emotions that plague my mind, and the let me keep going. They let me face another day and the decision of which kind of strong woman I want to be. Woman have tears, and God gave them to us I believe as he gave men muscles and machoism... It should not be looked down on. From now on I will cry freely when I am overrun with emotions, for I know that I will be stronger in the end.

50 Loves in my Life...

I LOVE LIFE. There may be regrets, but I choose to enjoy life. I choose to be happy. I choose to move forward and to keep dreaming... I LOVE my children, my family and my friends... I Love photos... I Love being active and having my health... I LOVE TO WRITE AND CREATE... I Love to be inspired and to inspire...I LOVE to learn...I Love a cool breeze after the storm and I Love the smell of rain and watching thunderstorms... I Love flowers in the spring... I Love snow in the winter while enjoying a nice hot mocha... I Love the hot sun in summer and sand between my toes... I Love lemonade and ice tea, diet coke and rum... I Love watching the ocean... I Love to read and curl up with a really good book... I LOVE ALL THINGS ROMANTIC... I Love being touched and holding hands... I LOVE long lingering kisses...I even Love a Good Cry after a nice sad, sappy love story... I Love a good lazy weekend vegging and watching tv... I Love Seinfeld re-runs... I LOVE all kinds of HUMOR and people that make me Laugh... I LOVE TO LAUGH, I Love to watch people laugh, make people laugh, listen to laughter (this is after all the BEST sound in the whole world)... I Love to make people smile... I Love a long conversation with an old friend... I Love a short conversation with a new friend... I Love being near my family... I Love taking afternoon breaks for coffee and a brownie... I LOVE listening to music - any and ALL music... I Love travelling and seeing new things... I LOVE enjoying nature... I Love taking drives to nowhere in particular in no particular hurry... I Love laying in bed and dreaming sweet dreams... I LOVE comforting a crying child... I Love being comforted... I Love dancing... I Love girls night out... I LOVE to sing (even though I don't let anyone hear me)...I Love to play the piano (even though its been awhile)...I Love that "top of the world" feeling you get on a really good day... I Love being able to wonder if I can stop at only 50 things that I love about life... I LOVE listenting to my 90 year old grandmother tell her stories from the early 1900's... I Love listening to my children tell stories about now...I Love listening to my dad tell the same stories to my kids that he used to tell me.. I Love looking back at my life and knowing the mistakes and learning from them - even though it hurts sometimes...I Love a slow dance... I Love to dream about the future and how my life may change...or stay the same... I LOVE the early morning quiet in the house with a cup of coffee... I Love my job (yes I really do...)and, I LOVE watching that 80 yr old couple dance the night away amidst all the "young" people and wonder if I'll be that young at heart... I can only hope to have that love for life that that couple has... What are the 50 Loves of your life?

50 Things that Make Me Who I Am...

Let me introduce myself and tell you about 50 things that make me who I am... 1. Mom of 3 great children - they are my 3 reasons that I say there can be no regrets, no going back, I could never change anything that would change them. They are my life and reason to keep trying to be a better person. 2. Married for almost 12 years - in 12 years I have definitely seen the good, the bad and the ugly, but he has given me those 3 reasons that there are no regrets! 3. Family - my parents, brothers/sisters and grand parents, even lots of my aunts and uncles (and I have a lot of them) and cousins - they are all such a constant and steady presence in my life. I could ask them for anything and rely on them to ask me for the same. 4. Friend - I am very lucky to have many GREAT friends that I can talk to about just about anything, in many different circles of my life - work, school, from my old school days, from church and from family... I also try - I'm not as good as some of my friends are to me - but I do try to be a good listener, a good friend that isn't just someone sucking the life out of another person. As I tell my daughter, "it's not all about you..." 5. Music - I have so much music on my computer and phone (mp3), cd's and wherever I go... How can someone live without listening to music? Any of it? Rock, Pop, Rap, Jazz, Blues, Country, Gospel, ... any of it. I wish I could turn my writing into lyrics... Music can reach so many people and the right lyrics can touch so many hearts. I can't even count the times I've cried while listening to a good song. Now, to take up piano again after not playing for 14 years... 6. Writing - I love to be able to just let the thoughts go. Sometimes they are even good thoughts that make sense! 7. Creative - I love trying new things that challenge me to see something in a "new" way. There's always something out there that needs to be adjusted, altered, changed or just painted... 8. Camera Crazy - you can tell so many stories with pictures. I think in another life I will be a photographer... one day when I can afford the new Canon Rebel... Now, if I could only get those 3,000+ pictures that I have into books. 9. Coffee - I don't think it's so much the caffeine (who am I kidding?) as the auroma. I love that smell first thing in the morning. Flavored coffees and mochas are probably my favorite, although I couldn't name one particular favorite. 10. Chocolate - had to be in the top ten... DARK chocolate at that. My second down fall behind coffee that doesn't make me a "healthy" person. 11. Active - I found running again this year. I love it. I love the mind and energy surge that I feel after draining my body and muscles to the point of over exertion. Sometimes I can't go all out, lack of time usually, and only get in a quickie, but those hour long, I'll be sore for a week workouts are what I love. 12. Beach Babe - I love being at the lake all day, relaxing, swimming, getting tossed off a jet-ski... chatting with a great friend and laying in the sun. In my second next life, I'd love to be a beach bum and learn to surf. 13. Old School - there are days when I look at the way things were 100 years ago, or here my grandmothers stories and I wish I could have lived back then. 14. Procrastinator - yes, I'm terrible at this. If it can wait till tomorrow, it normally will and up to the last minute. Be there at 7:30? Not a problem, but it will be 7:30 and not usually a minute earlier! 15. Optimist - I always try and see the best in people. Normally to a fault. I've been burned plenty of times and lost a few people that I thought were "good friends". But part of me still thinks that they had to have been good at one point or another... My dad said I always see things thru those "rose colored glasses." 16. Adventurous - more so before I had 3 kids - but a 10 day wilderness trip in the middle of Canada, carrying your canoe, backpack, tent and 10 days of food - No problem! I've done it and did it well! The only "two girl" team on a trip with 20 people and we kicked butt! Hiked, climbed mountains, repelled down a cliff... I wish I could try it all and see it all. If I was to win the lotto - world here I come! 17. Sisterly - not just to my siblings but to my cousins and their kids, to a lot of my male friends... I don't know how many of them refer to me as a "sis"... 18. Terrible Organizer - I admit it .. I need to hire a housekeeper. I can keep it "clean" no germs or dust or filth, but I can't keep up with the clutter and toys and games and shoes and backpacks... I need a professional organizer to attack my closets and bedrooms! 19. Romantic - helpless romantic at heart. Stars and love songs and a good sappy love story on tv... 20. Unable to Sit Still - not sure what to do with myself when there is nothing to do... Constantly doodling on paper or my feet have to be tapping or fingers twirling my hair or dancing in my seat... Why can't I sit still? 21. Not a Shopper! My friends (most of them) love to shop, I am NOT a shopper! Never have been... if there's something I need I want to grab it and go. To wander aimlessly around a mall packed with people is mind numbing to me... and I have an all day trip with 3 friends to Ikea this week... We'll see if I can make it! 22. Cheap - usually (unless you are talking coffee, chocolate or peanut butter... a few things have to be brand name). But clothes? I hate spending money on clothes or shoes or the movies... I just think I'd rather be comfy and have that money to save or spend on something really good (college for my kids...). 23. Dancer - not a skilled one (by any means) but I love to have that girls night out and dance. It's a great workout and SO much fun. 24. Singer - again not a skilled one and you should probably plug your ears if I am singing - but I can't listen to all this great music without singing along. I guess I learned by listening to my dad sing in the shower. One of my favorite memories with my kids is dancing around our living room and singing at the top of our lungs! 25. Hugger - I have to say I am a touchy person. Hug, squeeze, kiss, touch... I like being close to the people I care about. 26. Talker - my husband hates it, but I could set some serious phone time records with the calls to my friends and family. Thank goodness for free minutes after 7pm and weekends!! 27. Worker - I love manual labor. I work at a desk in an office everyday, and I love my job, but I grew up helping my dad do construction and working on the farm and those jobs are rewarding at such a different level. Crafting something with your hands and being able to see the finished product.. that's just something you can't get in an office. 28. Emotional - I have always "worn my heart on my sleeve" as they say. I'm a pretty upbeat person but when I'm sad I cry, when I'm mad I cry, sometimes it seems like I have a fountain in my head that just pours out of my tear ducts... I love emotion though. I love seeing other people that have feelings and passion for something. I love how a good cry makes you feel when you get it all out. 29. Stubborn - Valerie even means "strong" or "stubborn" depending on where you look. My mom actually found one that said "stubborn as a mule" and she framed it for me. Once I decide something - that's what I'm going to do. My mind is set and it's set... 30. Strong - again, as the name says... I think I am very physically strong. I can do a lot for myself and my guy friends are always giving my husband a hard time because I do the "heavy lifting". Sometimes I wish I was that strong emotionally, but then I would miss out on all those good crys... 31. Lightweight - cannot drink a lot of alcohol! Never been drunk to the point of being sick. Never had more than 5 or 6 drinks and that is only in an all day 12 or more hour event... 3 is usually my limit (actually 2 1/2 - rarely finish the 3rd) and most weekends it's just one. 32. Spiritual- I believe in God. I have faith that even though most of my prayers won't be answered in the way I would like that there is someone listening and I'm not just talking to myself! 33. Love to Learn - I miss school. I miss learning new subjects and theories. I love learning new things and stretching my mind. I love trying new things - golf was the latest. I took a diving class in college and was actually pretty good and it was so much fun! 34. Kid at Heart - I love bouncing on the trampoline and playing games with the kids. Running through the sprinkler on a hot summer day and going for ice cream cones and chasing lightning bugs... These are my favorite memories as a kid and I have the same memories as an adult of doing those things with my kids. In some ways I don't want to ever grow up... 35. Nature - Watching nature in all her glory. Thunderstorms, butterflies and bunnies, deers in the field behind our house. Listening to the birds and the bullfrogs and feeling the rain on your skin... It's peaceful and calming. 36. Science fanatic - it was never my favorite subject, but any of the earth and anatomical sciences are SO interesting to me. Maybe in that 3rd next life of mine I could be a doctor... 37. Part of a BIG family - I think this really affected who I am and how I look at life and my family. I love having a HUGE extended family. I may not see/talk to my cousins as much as I should, but they are there and they are still family. I've never been to a small family gathering... or a quiet one! 38. Rich - not in money - but as my dad said "rich in life". I have a people who care and who I care for. I've experienced a lot in my life that others haven't had the chance to do and in those ways I've been very enriched as an individual. 39. Artistic - even though I've lost this along the road of "busy with kids". I used to draw daily just like I journaled. My parents were always buying sketch pads and chalks and pencils and everything else. My oldest son is always drawing, too... maybe I rubbed off a little! 40. Casual - I am not going to be uncomfortable just because fashion says so... if I can wear jeans, tank top and flip flops every day for the rest of my life - life would be good! 41. Cook - I'm usually too busy to really put time and effort into a meal, but when I can, I love to do it. You can do so much to chicken... :-) But baking... that's my favorite! Cookies, cheesecakes, carmel turtle brownies... yummmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe it's just food in general that I like... 42. On the Go - this should be up in the top 10. I've learned a lot about multi-tasking by being on the go all the time. Working full time and carting around 3 kids and trying to a little bit of something for me is a challenge, but I've learned what I really am capable of. 43. Role Model - I like to think that I am a good role model for my children. I'm not perfect (by any stretch of the imagination), but I have good goals, and I want what's best for them. I want them to be influenced by people that will better them and make them want to be a better person. If nothing else, I want my kids to be able to say they are better because of me. 44. Lover - gotta be a lover not a hater. 45. Supportive - I may not agree with you. But if you think it's for the best, I will be the strong friend you need to hold you up and talk you through it. Spending long evenings talking with friends is a great past time and makes for great memories. I will always have an empty shoulder for you to cry on! 46. Open Minded - I've met many people that have affected my views on life and maybe it goes back to being optimistic, but I would never want to be described as close minded about race, religion or stereotypes in general. That little old man driving to slow may be the sweetest man in the world. The cranky lady at the check out line is probably the best mom in the world, just over worked and under paid. And the "scary" guy on the street is probably a great person/dad/husband and just came from the "wrong" side of the tracks. Looks don't describe who you are... 47. Computer Junky - I wouldn't be sitting here with 3 web pages open and downloading music and syncing music to my mp3/phone if I wasn't... What else do you do when the kids are gone/in bed and the husband's at work? Not sure if it's worse or better than being a tv junky... 48. Forgetful - I am VERY forgetful. Thank goodness for this gadget they call a phone that holds EVERYTHING! At least I've upgraded from the endless sticky notes (which I usually forgot where I put them) telling me where I needed to be and what I needed to do, to this gadget that looks better anyway! 49. Sweet & Thoughtful- I used to hate it when people would tell me what a "sweet" person I was. But as I get older it's nice to know that at least I'm not ticking everyone off that I meet! I like doing things for other people... some of my friends get on me for this and tell me I do TOO much, but if it makes you feel good, then it makes me feel good. 50. ME. Being me and being myself. I've gotten pretty good at it finally after 32 years of trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. Not that I know exactly what those 2 things are, but I've decided I like who I am, and if no one else does then too bad.... I'm no longer going out of my way to be something I'm not! I am me!