There is always that moment, that moment when it feels like the world may crash and burn around you, and me, I could not get lucky enough to be left standing. I would be be crashed and burned with it, left helpless with some twisted deformity that would forever remind me of how bad that crash and burn was. But just when I think I am there, just when I think that life could get no worse, or that I could not possibly find one more "thing" to add to my amazing pile of crap to do... Just then, at that exact point when I feel the grasp of control start to slip from my white-knuckled grip, I see it. Right beyond the horizon peeking at me from behind the storm clouds of despair, there it is, that bright ray of hope that just peeks out enough to show a glimmer of the edges.
That tiny ray of hope, could be that cut the oxygen off neck squeeze from my youngest as he says, "I love you with all my heart;" maybe it's the laughter of my daughter while she watches some show on tv that reveals that "almost" teenager in her, or maybe it's that quiet sneak of a smirk that my oldest will give me when he knows he is so aggravating and cute at the same time, or, maybe it's that touch from my husband that after 13 years is still there. It's family and it's home that hold hope. And I know, "with all my heart" as Robby likes to say, that beyond the overwhelming schedules and the overdue bills and the over the top expectations that we place on ourselves, that my family and my home is my hope.
They are the ray of sunshine that peeks at me sometimes just long enough to let me catch my breath and take in a great big sigh of relief, and other times, they let me bask in their full warmth and sunshine for hours on end, whether it's sitting and watching our favorite show together or playing in the snow, or showing me their latest creations that was sure to create some sort of havoc on my house. But whatever it is, that gift of hope comes from them, it comes from the smiles on their faces, the laughter in their hearts and the love that they give me everyday, regardless of whether I'm tired or moody, or running around like the crazed overbooked person I let myself be way too often. They bring me hope. And, I will thank God everyday that I have them to bring me back from my crash and burn nightmares and surround me with love amidst the craziness that is life.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
God-Sightings
An amazing eulogy, given by a 19 year old nephew to his aunt, has been on my mind for over a week now. His eulogy was so touching in many ways; however, the reason it has been “haunting” me is simply that it opened my eyes. He spoke of “God-sightings” and how his aunt taught him about them. I had never even heard the phrase before, and in my busy little world, I, unfortunately, had not taken the time to enjoy them when I did experience them.
But this phrase, this term that I had never even heard has changed my world. His interpretation of “God-sightings” was seeing God in the everyday world. Glimpses of God, signs of his work, people doing his work, just seeing His name in a public area, etc… And since being introduced to this phrase, I have had my eyes opened. On the way home from work the following day I was following a Jeep with the license plate LUV4GOD. A couple nights later I was “vegging,” and watching my Thursday night trash TV. However, that trashy programming turned out to be “God-sightings” right there on my television that left me a weeping mess of a viewer. My soapish, Grey’s Anatomy, was about the power of faith healers and how just having faith makes you “feel better.” The song on the radio this morning telling me to "open my heart and mind..." and the words of my almost 4 year old telling me "God likes it when we are nice to people." The crosses I pass on the side of the road everyday to mark the lives lost by someone in an auto accident.
Then there’s those normal little occurrences that have probably occurred many times, but I had never taken time to notice them as being “God-sightings.” The table full of men in the coffee shop being witnessed to by the local pastor; the good deeds that someone at work is doing for another without being asked in anyway; the support system of friends and family in times of need; the call from a friend just when you are feeling lost and alone, and the song on the radio with lyrics that touch your soul when you need it the most. All these little things that had never meant more to me than just religious symbols, are "God-sightings" and his hand in our lives letting us know that he is here.
But this phrase, this term that I had never even heard has changed my world. His interpretation of “God-sightings” was seeing God in the everyday world. Glimpses of God, signs of his work, people doing his work, just seeing His name in a public area, etc… And since being introduced to this phrase, I have had my eyes opened. On the way home from work the following day I was following a Jeep with the license plate LUV4GOD. A couple nights later I was “vegging,” and watching my Thursday night trash TV. However, that trashy programming turned out to be “God-sightings” right there on my television that left me a weeping mess of a viewer. My soapish, Grey’s Anatomy, was about the power of faith healers and how just having faith makes you “feel better.” The song on the radio this morning telling me to "open my heart and mind..." and the words of my almost 4 year old telling me "God likes it when we are nice to people." The crosses I pass on the side of the road everyday to mark the lives lost by someone in an auto accident.
Then there’s those normal little occurrences that have probably occurred many times, but I had never taken time to notice them as being “God-sightings.” The table full of men in the coffee shop being witnessed to by the local pastor; the good deeds that someone at work is doing for another without being asked in anyway; the support system of friends and family in times of need; the call from a friend just when you are feeling lost and alone, and the song on the radio with lyrics that touch your soul when you need it the most. All these little things that had never meant more to me than just religious symbols, are "God-sightings" and his hand in our lives letting us know that he is here.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
A Child's Prayer
I really try to practice my faith, and pray for those that I know are in need. Sometimes, as I admit I am far from perfect, I simply get too busy in my own world to think about those around me needing something. Then, when we least expect it, God snaps those fingers of his and brings us right back to attention. My friend's family, who is coping with the loss of their sister, daughter and aunt, have been on my mind this week. I have said prayers for them, but at the visitation tonight they had her sister's "Prayer Board". The list is amazing. She prayed for these people daily and it wasn't any small list by any means.
And then, tonight, when I'm trying to get the kids to hurry and get in bed, and quick say your prayers... Then, it hits me, while my oldest says a nice, long, extra prayer for this family, my heart sinks and melts at the same time. I'm blessed and awed that I have such a wonderful child, and shamed for trying to rush him through his prayers.
Why is it that as adults we are always in such a hurry. Why can't I be more "childlike"... not watching the clock, not rushing the bedtime, not missing a single person on that prayer board. Why can't I have their faith and hope that God will make us all happy. It isn't the lifestyle, the paycheck or the extras that make us happy. It's the little things. It's the million things that I miss all the time that bring us happiness. The things I miss by not slowing down to savor the moment. And it's not taking that extra second to just say a prayer "just" for someone's happiness. Because as my son prayed tonight, "just help them be happy."
And then, tonight, when I'm trying to get the kids to hurry and get in bed, and quick say your prayers... Then, it hits me, while my oldest says a nice, long, extra prayer for this family, my heart sinks and melts at the same time. I'm blessed and awed that I have such a wonderful child, and shamed for trying to rush him through his prayers.
Why is it that as adults we are always in such a hurry. Why can't I be more "childlike"... not watching the clock, not rushing the bedtime, not missing a single person on that prayer board. Why can't I have their faith and hope that God will make us all happy. It isn't the lifestyle, the paycheck or the extras that make us happy. It's the little things. It's the million things that I miss all the time that bring us happiness. The things I miss by not slowing down to savor the moment. And it's not taking that extra second to just say a prayer "just" for someone's happiness. Because as my son prayed tonight, "just help them be happy."
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Peace
One of my really good friends just lost her sister, Theresa, unexpectedly, and as I was talking with her afterwards, the way her sister left our world and passed into the next was amazing. The strength and peace that she had facing death was nothing short of extraordinary. It made me smile and cry hearing just the few stories that I've heard so far. Theresa's unselfish, caring ways that made her more worried about the strength and faith of her loved ones who had to let her go over her own departure. Her ability to continue to pray for others and worry how others would be.
I have never heard of such peace and acceptance when facing death. No regrets for things left unfinished, no worries about the "hereafter", just pure acceptance that her fate was planned by God and that he was waiting to lead her home. I can only pray that the same peace would be there for everyone, that everyone could have the faith that she displayed. I know it made me take a second look at my faith and my displays of faith. It made me look at my life and my loved ones and wonder if anyone around me could be capable of the faith that she had.
I came home, and re-read the poem that I've had in my Bible since I first lost someone close to me. It's a poem that I received decades ago at a funeral and I've read it a million times since then. I've shared it with so many people that have lost someone they loved, but I've never thought it applied so much to the person I was reading it for than this time. I wish I knew who the author was...
I have never heard of such peace and acceptance when facing death. No regrets for things left unfinished, no worries about the "hereafter", just pure acceptance that her fate was planned by God and that he was waiting to lead her home. I can only pray that the same peace would be there for everyone, that everyone could have the faith that she displayed. I know it made me take a second look at my faith and my displays of faith. It made me look at my life and my loved ones and wonder if anyone around me could be capable of the faith that she had.
I came home, and re-read the poem that I've had in my Bible since I first lost someone close to me. It's a poem that I received decades ago at a funeral and I've read it a million times since then. I've shared it with so many people that have lost someone they loved, but I've never thought it applied so much to the person I was reading it for than this time. I wish I knew who the author was...
I'M FREE...
Don't grieve for me for now I'm free,
I followed the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I should not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I've found my Peace at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with time of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I've savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
My One Person
I've already admitted that I love quotes. I don't know why, I wish I could say lines that were so inpsiring, but I love quotes from movies, books, songs, you name it, I love to "borrow" them. Anyway, recently, I ran across a quote in a movie, "The Object of My Affection," with Jennifer Aniston. Aniston's character says, "you have to pick one person and make it work..."
That just hit home to me. After almost 13 years of marriage and all the ups and downs (let me state ups and downs aren't that little wavy line on a chart, but is more like climbing Mt. Everest and then dropping into the bottom of the Grand Canyon) that marriage brings. That line just made sense. Even when I feel like things aren't "going right," or they aren't as "spicy" as one might prefer, I picked my 'one person' and it is up to me/us to make it work. Love isn't easy come easy go. Love really is a decision. It's that decision to look past the "little bumps" in the road and the "not so pretty flaws" on the face of something that really is and can continue to be something really great.
Through all the great, good, bad, ugly and obscenly terrible moments... it's up to me. I have to decide if I will make it work, if I will put in the time to try and keep it going. If I will continue to choose him. It's up to me... No one can make my marriage work, no one can make the last 13 years more worthwhile than me. I have to see the positive, not just the negative. I have to see the beauty in the beast (which we both can be sometimes). I have to accept the flaws as he accepts mine. I picked "my one person" over 13 years ago, and it is so comforting to know that in another 13 years or even another 30 years, that there is "one person" out there who can say they picked me.
And for all the New Years that come and the Resolutions that fall by the wayside, I know that I can look back every year and say "I picked him." And with that knowledge of being somebody's "one person" is the comfort of knowing what I really knew all along, but it just gives a little bit of satisfaction to be able to say that which is so true, "I am not replaceable." Of course, that means he isn't either!
Happy New Year, and here's to making the same resolution again next year and to pick my same person again and again!
That just hit home to me. After almost 13 years of marriage and all the ups and downs (let me state ups and downs aren't that little wavy line on a chart, but is more like climbing Mt. Everest and then dropping into the bottom of the Grand Canyon) that marriage brings. That line just made sense. Even when I feel like things aren't "going right," or they aren't as "spicy" as one might prefer, I picked my 'one person' and it is up to me/us to make it work. Love isn't easy come easy go. Love really is a decision. It's that decision to look past the "little bumps" in the road and the "not so pretty flaws" on the face of something that really is and can continue to be something really great.
Through all the great, good, bad, ugly and obscenly terrible moments... it's up to me. I have to decide if I will make it work, if I will put in the time to try and keep it going. If I will continue to choose him. It's up to me... No one can make my marriage work, no one can make the last 13 years more worthwhile than me. I have to see the positive, not just the negative. I have to see the beauty in the beast (which we both can be sometimes). I have to accept the flaws as he accepts mine. I picked "my one person" over 13 years ago, and it is so comforting to know that in another 13 years or even another 30 years, that there is "one person" out there who can say they picked me.
And for all the New Years that come and the Resolutions that fall by the wayside, I know that I can look back every year and say "I picked him." And with that knowledge of being somebody's "one person" is the comfort of knowing what I really knew all along, but it just gives a little bit of satisfaction to be able to say that which is so true, "I am not replaceable." Of course, that means he isn't either!
Happy New Year, and here's to making the same resolution again next year and to pick my same person again and again!
Chills & Goosebumps
That's the way I feel right now. I just realized that something I had always dreamed of is so close that it is just outside the bounds of my reach, and that I can achieve that dream. It is right there, taunting me, looking at me and smiling that look I remember giving my sisters when I was saying, "ha, got it and you almost had it, but not quite...." Not that I would tease them in such a way, well not all the time. They still love me.
But the dream, it's RIGHT there. It's so close and I get so wound up in anticipation and desire that I don't want to be patient and do the research and do all the "right things..." I just want to reach out and snatch it up and carry it off like a stolen candy bar from the 7-11 store, not that I ever stole a candy bar, I do have values, but there are definitely days that I know what stealing a piece of chocolate could do to the emotions.
How is it that all I ever wanted is there? It's looking at me and taunting me to see if I have the courage, the guts, the desire to research and get the right "know how" to take hold of it. It's desirable and excruciating all at the same time.
Other people have done it. So, I know it's not beyond the means of humankind. But I can't even describe the chill running down my spine as I think about it. As I look and see that it is so close, I realize all the dreaming could be reality. All the dreaming may really be more than just what they seemed. And those chills, they grab a hold of my spine and the nerves that tense up and down my back and my shoulders and they control my hands as I type. I have never typed so fast in my life (thank God for spell check). And I blink, and I look again, and it's still there... I just have never had that feeling, that moment where you just have to take a deep breath, focus, and believe....
But the dream, it's RIGHT there. It's so close and I get so wound up in anticipation and desire that I don't want to be patient and do the research and do all the "right things..." I just want to reach out and snatch it up and carry it off like a stolen candy bar from the 7-11 store, not that I ever stole a candy bar, I do have values, but there are definitely days that I know what stealing a piece of chocolate could do to the emotions.
How is it that all I ever wanted is there? It's looking at me and taunting me to see if I have the courage, the guts, the desire to research and get the right "know how" to take hold of it. It's desirable and excruciating all at the same time.
Other people have done it. So, I know it's not beyond the means of humankind. But I can't even describe the chill running down my spine as I think about it. As I look and see that it is so close, I realize all the dreaming could be reality. All the dreaming may really be more than just what they seemed. And those chills, they grab a hold of my spine and the nerves that tense up and down my back and my shoulders and they control my hands as I type. I have never typed so fast in my life (thank God for spell check). And I blink, and I look again, and it's still there... I just have never had that feeling, that moment where you just have to take a deep breath, focus, and believe....
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