Crystal Ball

I wish I had a crystal ball... sometimes when I don't know if I'm coming or going, or if I'm seeing a sunrise or a sunset. When I know the choices that have to be made, but need to map out the million possible courses my life could take based on that one decision. Just one... If there is only one decision in life you have to make, it could rock your world right out of the water and blow up in your face, or it could turn the world over where you might find that happiness and sunshine, that destination you were always bound to find in time. When does that decision come along to lead you to that place in life where you know "this is where I'm supposed to be." Does that choice come along once in a lifetime? Twice? And what happens if you choose answer A. (the world blowing up in your face) instead of answer B. (destination dream land)? Do you ever get the chance to go back and change your answer? Is there ever an open book test out of college and high school? Where is my crystal ball when I need it the most and where are the cliff notes for Life 101... Sometimes my conscience had ideas, but are they just musings or are they significant thoughts from the voice in my head? Probably not, since mostly that voice is just saying, "I need more coffee... and then some more sleep." (Too bad coffee doesn't promote sleep...) Does life allow you to make amends for one bad decision? But even if you could, you can't change that one bad decision because the other million "things" in the string of events and moments in your life would be changed, and is it worth risking the possibility of changing any of the good to rid of one bad? It's literally like being in the 'Twilight Zone'. I have a friend who admits she's "warped and twisted" when it comes to her sense of humor, maybe she has an angel or two that have decided to play havoc on my mind and my life...

Although, when I look at my life, I am mostly happy with the world around me. My children, friends and family, but then there is that "what if" and the "what now", the "what next" and the ever looming, "where do I want to be..." So many questions and even more answers and those million possibilities to the many answers, and it leaves my head spinning again, and this is when I start to confuse that sunrise and sunset. Am I at a new beginning? Am I at the end of the road where the fork to the left and the right both lead to the unknown? When do new beginnings start? When do you know that the road your on has definitely came to that dreaded dead end. Not an easy dead end, but one that has a narrow road, with trees on both sides that doesn't allow for a U turn, instead you have to back up, slowly, all the way down that dark and twisted, narrow road, all the while getting a kink in your neck from having to look back and drive at the same time. And, for those that didn't know, I hate getting a "kink" in my neck and I hate backing up. I'd much rather be going forward, always forward.

So, as my rambling took me off course (down that nasty, twisted, dirt road with the dead end) back on subject... Where is my crystal ball? Because right now, I could really use one.