I will..

When I close my eyes and see the past moments that I've shared with friends and those I care about, I can truly smile and be at peace. I have faced the issues that I have with myself and my future. I know that no matter what I decide and where I go, that there are people around me that will always accept me as I am. I am not perfect - not even close - and I don't mind admitting it. It's actually a relief to say it. I AM NOT PERFECT... and I want to quit pretending that the world around me is.

I can't do it all; I can't have it all. I'll keep trying, I know I will. I've never been a quitter. But, I have accepted that there will be times that life will turn it's back on me. I will scrape my knees and fingers to the bone trying to pull my way back to the top, but I will survive. I will crawl my way over each and every mountain that I face. I may be black and blue when I get there, but I will stand tall and I will accept that I screwed up. But I won't quit. I will smile with each obstacle that is met, knowing that life has made me strong.

I will chase each friendship and not let them just fade away from me. I will get my degree. I will write and create. I will photo journal the smiles of those I love. I will be a role model for my children (again - not a perfect one - but a good one). I will do what feels good and what makes me happy. I will do things that make you, my friend, happy; and I will stand by and watch with a smile as life makes you happy.

I will try to stop living in fast forward, with that constant motion, and I will take a break to just sit, and breathe - in and out - and then I will close my eyes and feel the calm in the world around me, just for that second...

I will feel the twitter in my chest and the lump in the back of my throat everytime I see a new baby and wish I had had one more. Maybe two... I will smile though knowing that I have 3 perfect and healthy children that I won't trade for anything in this world.

I will be honest to myself. I will look in the mirror each morning and be glad that I am who I am, with my athletic build (i.e... flat chest) the too thin blonde hair, the oily and much less than perfect complexion, and that glimmer of hope in my eyes... I will look at that person in the mirror and accept and love who I see looking back. I will not envy those around me. I will teach my preteen daughter to do the same. I will teach my sons to do the same.

I will never again try to be "super mom" (okay that may be an exaggerated statement... because if you know me... you know I will keep trying to figure out how to be Superwoman - with the spiffy jet and all). I will accept help when offered and not say - "no thanks, I'm fine..." I will latch on to that offered help and suck up every little bit of help it has to offer, hopefully I don't scare the helpful person away...

I will, I will, I will... I will be me.