How do you define yourself? It sounds easy at the simplest most basic levels of definition. I am a female, married, mother of three. I work full-time and the bulk of my world revolves around those that I love. Yeah, easy enough. If you want the top-sheet, "duh, I knew that" definition of "self."
How do you really define yourself. That's the hard part. That part is hard because it's the part of "self" that we keep hidden away. I love to write... not everyone knows that. The people I think would support it know it, and those that stumble across my ramblings online, whom I don't know and probably never will. But the rest of the world may never know this part of me. I'm a procrastinator. I'm perpetually thinking "should of, could of, would of..." I have so many traits that I don't list in that "easy" definition of me. Why? Because these parts of me, that are really so much more of who I am than the scripted off definition of "wife and mom," are the parts of me that are "imperfect." These are the traits that I will forever be trying to either perfect or grow out of. These are the parts of me that may not be accepted. They may not be what the person next to me wants to see. But these traits, these defining adverbs and adjectives, these are me. These are the traits that some times you just want to leave lying around the house and say, "yeah, I'm feeling like chocolate, wine, and a good book; and not like cleaning the house..." There are so many "imperfect" traits in all of us... Yes, I'll admit some of mine here - not them all...
But then I wonder, what am I teaching my children. What if I only show them the parts of me that I want them to know and try and hide those imperfect ones. The flaws, or the parts that aren't quite mastered yet. Will they go through life trying to show only what they think that I want to see from them? Will they not show me all their traits, be it perfect, imperfect or otherwise. Kids, hide something from their parents? I know sounds crazy... But I don't want that. I want to know their deepest desire, even if it is running off and joining the circus. I want to know their fantasies and hopes. I don't want them to not tell me because they don't think it's something I wouldn't want or approve of... I want to know. I want to know them. I want them to know me. Does that mean I have to tell my kids I'm not perfect? That I have "things" that I will forever be trying to master in my life.
How do you convince them, these pre-adolescents, that all their "flaws, imperfections, silly habits," that they are all defining features of themselves. That they will never really be accepting of themselves if they don't accept that they aren't perfect. How do you teach them to be more accepting of others and their flaws, imperfections and silly habits? I don't want my kid to be the bully. I don't want them to put up with any body's BS, but I don't want them dishing it out. I just want my children to be able to look back at some point in adulthood and know that they were true to their self, to their dreams and desires. I want them to play the tuba if they want, I want them to be a cheerleader instead of on the volleyball team like mom was, if that's what they want. I want them to get straight A's, yet I want them to take time and enjoy the "school years" while they can, if it means playing hooking to walk around with friends, just to be able to breathe for a day. I want them to be able to look inside and know that their definition of self, albeit, imperfect in some ways, is a definition that they are happy with.
Ah, but I could ramble for hours on this subject of school and acceptance, but off subject. How do you define yourself... I close my eyes and just try to think of the words I would use, other than the "easy" definition... There are so many, yet when it comes right down to it. I am me. Me. Those two little letters strums up all these traits that no one else has, almost like genetic coding, but for a self definition. I am me. I am imperfect, but I try and that's a good thing. Not that I try to be imperfect, but I try to be better. And at 33, if I am still trying to figure it out, well obviously there's one imperfection in itself. Not that I'm not happy with who I am... I think on the Happy Meter that mine is swinging towards the top. It's just trying to grasp it all. All of who I am, labeling it, and then sharing it so that everyone knows exactly who I am. I know. Like I said, i can close my eyes and see the list. I could type for hours and not run out of things that make me who I am (a late night rambling fool being one of them). But it's the definition itself. How do I define me in words and understanding that can be shared with those that I do want to know all the parts of me, even the imperfectness...
Hmmm, anyway, enough rambling for one night. Time to find something more through provoking to read than what I was reading when my mind started down this rambling road.
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