Motherhood

There is something that bonds us women, us mothers... Mothers are a lot of things. We are packrats. Our purses are full of snacks (not some high protein bar for that healthy person we want to be, but a bag of fruit snacks or smashed goldfish crackers), toys, crayons and maybe a few notes to remind ourselves about the list of soccer games and parents meetings and whatever else it is on our agenda that we may have forgotten. We are organizers. We plan and decorate for everything from a first birthday to a graduation party, to a few team parties in between. We are doctors (my degree came from Emergency Room 101) who have bandaged, splinted, iced and kissed everything from the broken right pinky, to the gashing forehead, to the splinter in the palm of the hand, and everything in between. We are picker uppers. We pick up not only everything that everyone else cannot see when they step on or over it, but we pick up broken spirits and broken hearts, and we mend those with sometimes nothing more than a hug.

But of all things that makes us mothers, It's that unspoken, and usually unseen, act of unselfishness that makes us who we are. Mothers are a lot of things, but of all the things that one could try to accuse me of being, selfish is not one of them. Oh, I have days, believe me, where I dream of "selfish"... That day dream of me laying on the couch and making my husband rub my feet, while the kids clean and cook, and I spend whatever extra money we have a some fancy new sandals that would only match like 1/10th of my "wardrobe" (which consists mostly of jeans and comfy clothes), a fantastic bottle of red wine and some real expensive dark chocolate... Ah, but it's just a dream. Because we moms, we aren't selfish. God made us so exquisite that when you give birth, you lose everything singular about yourself. There is no "you", there is no "self".. You are now a We in every sense of the word. When you get married they say that "two have become one." But not like when you become a mom. Because that mom-ness ties a bond so tight around your heart that you could never be singular again.

Tonight, I made these fantastic breadsticks and I was starved and they tasted so good. But being a mom, I made sure that all the kids and the hubby had theirs and when there was a couple extra I thought "bonus!" Only to hear, "mom are there more?" Well of course... there's always more. Mom's will give them the only bite of food if it is the last bite of food or a bite on the plate of plenty. I would never not give them that... Of course it does help with the waistline when you take a plate of Double Stuff Oreos to eat and end up with one because you shared! And it seems like such a small thing, and in all reality it is, but "it" is not ever the only time. And, it's not just food, it's the giving up your "self" time to play Legos. The time you finally find time to scrapbook, or read, or write... but someone really wants to play. And when you turn off the TV, and see those little arms reach for you to say "you are the best mom," you know why you gave your self. Because that little voice that says "you are the best" is really the best thing in your life. And just being able to hear that voice, to see that sparkle in their eye, and that smile on their face, it all makes giving of ourselves so easy to do.

I once thought that I had "lost" myself. I had this list of "selfish" things that I wanted to do. They were things I gave up to be who I now am, and things that I just always wanted to do and never had time. Today I realized that I didn't ever lose myself. I simply set those things aside to move on to be a better self, a self that is part of a much bigger picture. And by becoming a better, and unselfish self, I have made the lives of those that I love that much better. Whether I gave them my time, my cookie, my last sip of water, or just a hug on a bad day, it was what I had of myself to give and I gave it. And, although we don't always get to hear, "you are the best mom," and we don't always get ribbons or medals (is there a purple heart for motherhood?), we get to see the reward growing before us everyday. We get to see them do good deeds for others. We, as moms, get to feel their pride, their joy, their heartache and their sorrow. We get to calm their nerves before the first day of school, and we get to hold their hand when they cross the street. And then, someday, we will get to kiss them good bye as they leave for high school and we can't hold their hand and walk them across the street. We will get to see the smile on their face when they drive their first car. And I realize, that all this time when I worried that "I" wasn't getting something done, or that "I" didn't get to do something for me, I realize that the only time when I will have lost myself, is that moment when I have nothing left to give. And having given all that you have, that is not a bad thing. Because in the souls of the mothers that I know, there will never be a point where there is nothing left to give.